five times I have loved you
by Lily Winterwood
Summary: The first time that John Watson loves Sherlock Holmes is when he realises he'd kill for him again.


**Title:** five times I have loved you;  
**Character(s)/Pairings:** Sherlock Holmes/John Watson  
**Genre:** Romance, Reichenangst  
**Rating/Warnings** PG  
**Summary:** The first time that John Watson loves Sherlock Holmes is when he realises he'd kill for him again.  
**Disclaimer: **I do not own BBC Sherlock.

* * *

**five times I have loved you;**

1.

The first time, John stands by the ambulance, the gun tucked away under his blandly-coloured jumper. The first time, he looks away innocently as the man in the orange blanket starts to talk about the cabbie's shooter, and he pretends as if there's someone else they need to find.

Lestrade doesn't buy the innocent act, but doesn't act on it himself as well. The cabbie's not a very good man, after all.

The first time that John Watson loves Sherlock Holmes, it's that moment when Sherlock catches his breath as he says "nerves of steel", that moment when he pauses and rescinds his statements. The first time that John loves Sherlock is when he realises he'd kill for him again.

2.

The second time, they're running through a darkened museum, and John's berating himself for making the stupidest decision of his life as he's making it.

Soo Lin Yao needs the protection more than Sherlock does, yet when the gunshots ring out John can't help but clamber to his feet, needing to know _right now_ that Sherlock is okay.

It costs him Soo Lin's life, though, he realises as he stares, much later, at her dead body, hand outstretched on the table, a single folded lotus in her hand. Soo Lin Yao died because John Watson is stupid, and does stupid things for love.

The second time, Sherlock looks at John and quirks an eyebrow. "You didn't stay with her," he says quietly after a moment. A statement of the obvious masks the accusing question. The second time, John's not proud of his actions.

"I had to know you were okay," he replies.

Sherlock bites his lip. John says nothing.

3.

The third time, there's hurt in Sherlock's pale eyes as John steps out with the bomb strapped to his chest, and it takes John's breath away because it shouldn't hurt this much.

It hurts, to know that Sherlock's fallen to the bait. It's hard to parrot the lines being chirped into his ear. John watches Sherlock's emotionless expression, focuses on his eyes. Sherlock's eyes show everything the rest of him hides.

Moriarty steps out at that moment – gone is the clumsy boy from IT; in his place is a cold, ruthless villain, and John wants nothing more than to rip Moriarty apart. That is, if he isn't so sure that he'd die before he can try, he would. So John stands back, watches Moriarty and Sherlock, watches the threats being passed around like playing cards. A game; it's all a game.

The third time, Sherlock looks at John for affirmation as he raises a gun to the discarded bomb vest, as Moriarty watches him aim with a smug smile on his face. The third time that John loves Sherlock, he nods at the detective and thinks that at least they'll die for each other.

4.

The fourth time, Irene Adler spells it out. Later that evening, as John watches Sherlock play Auld Lang Syne, he finds his eyes trailing along Sherlock's skilful fingers as he finds the notes, trailing along the curve of the detective's hands as he draws the bow across the strings.

Sherlock's eyes never leave his, and John's not stupid enough to look away.

"Happy New Year," Sherlock says quietly, again, as the last chimes of Big Ben echo in the distance and fade away to half-silence.

"I thought you detested repetition," John remarks, as Sherlock sets down the violin and crosses over to him, taking his hand.

The fourth time that John loves Sherlock, Sherlock's lips are soft against his own. Sherlock kisses with eyes wide open, mouth opening only slightly, their breaths mingling in the space between their lips. The fourth time, John's eyes flutter erratically, not sure whether to savour the moment or to watch Sherlock examine his face mid-kiss. Sherlock chuckles at that; he kisses John again, pale eyes vulnerable, and then draws away.

John misses the contact, but Sherlock's already too far from him.

5.

The fifth time it's not so easy. The fifth time, there is anger in John's chest, a growly, snarly thing that claws at his heart, rips it into pieces.

_I don't have friends_, Sherlock says. John walks away, needing the cold Dartmoor air in his lungs, needing distance between himself and the infuriating man he's fallen in love with for some mad reason.

The fifth time, Sherlock grabs him by the arms and kisses him ferociously, teeth biting, noses colliding, and it's painful yet sweet and somehow very Sherlock. The fifth time, the anger slowly trickles out of John as Sherlock pulls away, eyes indescribable for once, but face expressive. Repentant.

"I don't have friends. I've just got one," he says, and John stands there and licks his lips, unsure of what to say to that.

He tries to turn again – there's still anger there – he tries to walk away, but Sherlock follows, and Sherlock's desperate, and Sherlock gives back all the compliments that John has ever paid him, because he's heard nothing else.

The fifth time, it's really not easy, as John later finds out. But it's still worth something.

+1.

The first time is a long time back, but Sherlock doesn't recognise it until the very end, until he is standing on the roof with Moriarty.

The first time is reaching out, grabbing for John's hand even though he knows it's a trick of depth, even though he knows John isn't going to be able to save him – won't be able to save him – can't be allowed to save him.

The first time are the tears rolling down his cheeks, the suppressed sobs on his end, the denials on John's. "What are you talking about?" demands the foolish man. "That first time we met, you knew everything about me."

"Nobody could be that clever," Sherlock says.

"You could."

The first time is hearing that, and feeling his heart swell only for his mind to step in and shut down the emotions stinging his eyes, shaking his hands. He says his note, drops his phone, and leaps.

The first time that Sherlock Holmes loves John Watson, he takes a leap of faith.


End file.
